


To Never Ask Why

by HandleWithCare



Series: Gus and Rusty Navigating Communication [4]
Category: Major Crimes (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 05:30:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19311616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandleWithCare/pseuds/HandleWithCare
Summary: Rusty and Gus have been through a lot, but they've always had each other. It felt as if they could survive anything the world could throw at them. Will communication be enough to help them heal from the ultimate betrayal of trust?





	To Never Ask Why

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!! It has been a pretty long time since I last posted and I wanted to apologize for that. Between work and school, I wasn't giving this series the dedication it deserves and I wanted to wait until I had more free time to properly work on another installment. I also want to thank everyone who has supported me and continues to support me and this series. It means a lot. Here is the fifth installment of this series! 
> 
> I should say that this installment is more of an AU than canon, though it does take place in this 'better communication' universe of mine. It takes place roughly six months after Sharon's death and everything is still the same, except that Gus and Rusty's future is less certain. This is only one possibility of what could have happened to their relationship and it is not necessarily the future I wanted them to have in canon, but it was important to me to explore and understand other possibilities. Future updates of this series will probably not view this update as canon unless anyone thinks it might be a good idea to do so.
> 
> Obviously, there are references to Sharon's death, as well as the fact that there is not a happy ending, so make sure to check out the tags before reading and take care of yourselves.
> 
> Constructive criticism and suggestions for future parts of this series or other stories are always appreciated!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @ say-youll-be-there :)

Rusty unlocks the front door and enters the condo. He throws his coat onto the couch, not even looking to see if it landed on the couch or the floor like it usually did. If Sharon were here, she would have told him to just hang it up on the coat rack instead of giving himself the extra burden of having to pick it up off the floor. 

But, Sharon’s not here. 

She’s not here and she’s never coming back. It’s been five months. And, honestly, Rusty thought he was done crying over it, done with having to deal with the realization hitting him like a truck at the worst and most unexpected moments. Maybe he’ll never be done with it.

It’s hard to be done with something, to get over it, when you see reminders of it everywhere you go. When he’s at school, he remembers that Sharon is a big part of why he’s here and not dead in a ditch somewhere or a forever unnamed John Doe. When he comes home to the condo, Sharon’s absence hits him, like he’s watching the doctor from the hospital shake his head over and over again, every day. When he goes to work at Major Crimes, he sees how different it is without Sharon. How everyone is trying to be better, happy, because that’s what Sharon would want, but it’s hard. Hard to ignore the fact that someone who was such a crucial and special part of their team, their family, isn’t there anymore.

His phone buzzes, and, at first, he wants to ignore it. He wants to pretend he doesn’t hear anything, but he knows it’ll just keep buzzing if he does. He looks at the screen.

It’s Gus.

It’s almost always Gus.

He’s been texting Rusty almost nonstop since, well, since the breakup, but especially since Rusty killed Stroh. He never told Gus that he killed Stroh. No one knows but Provenza, though the rest of the team probably has their assumptions. He knew, even as he was doing it, that it was a dumb and reckless decision, and he knows that, perhaps, Sharon would not have approved, but he’d be lying to himself if he wasn’t damn proud of himself for doing it. Stroh had tried to kill Rusty, twice, had a hit man try to kill Rusty for him, and then made years of his life a living nightmare by going into hiding only to come back when he was at his most vulnerable. So, yeah, Rusty is glad that Stroh’s dead, and, even though he probably could have and should have shot him fewer times and been less reckless, he’s happy that he’s finally free from Stroh.

He just wishes, he thinks as his phone buzzes again, that he could be free from all of this drama with Gus. Fuck it, he decides, and presses the call option on his phone, not even looking at the texts. Gus picks up on the second ring.

“Rusty?” he asks hesitantly.

“Hey, Gus,” he replies.

“Oh, Rusty, thank god,” Gus says, with a sigh of relief, “I thought this was an accidental call or something.”

“What did you want, Gus?” Rusty cuts in, too tired for pleasantries.

“Um,” Gus says, clearly caught off guard, “Well, I got promoted at work today.”

Rusty hums in acknowledgement. About four months ago, Gus, with the help of the recommendation letter from his former employer, got a job at a restaurant in downtown L.A as an assistant chef. 

“And,” Gus continues, “I just wanted to thank you again, you know for everything you did. You really didn’t have to do all that.”

“No, Gus,” Rusty says, anger suddenly coasting through his veins, “I didn’t have to, but I did because you were wrongfully terminated and what that guy was doing was illegal. That’s the only reason.”

Gus is quiet for a second and Rusty thinks that he may have hung up, but then he continues.

“You keep saying that, but you still didn’t need to. You could have just reported him or something. But you did everything in your power to help me when, frankly, I didn’t deserve it. And I guess, I don’t understand why.”

Now, Rusty is the one who’s silent. He knows, objectively, that Gus is right. If Rusty wanted to punish that guy for breaking the law, he could have reported him, but, instead, he used the leverage to help Gus. Gus, who cheated on him twice with said guy, and then tried to make him feel guilty for not forgiving him or taking part of the blame.

“What do you want me to say, Gus?” Rusty asks, clearly frustrated, “That I did it because I still love you? That you would get a better job because of it and we would get back together and everything would be fine? It’s not fine, Gus, nothing’s fine, and it’s your fault.”

“You always do this,” Gus replies, now angry himself, “You blame me for everything. I thought we were past this. I thought you were past this.”

“I am,” Rusty snaps back, “I am getting better with that every day and you know it. You told me so yourself. And how dare you try to say that I’m blaming you for cheating on me. How could that be my fault?”

Gus starts to speak, but Rusty cuts him off.

“I’ll tell you how. It’s not. It will never be my fault that you cheated on me. That was a decision that you made consciously. You chose to sleep with him. Even if you were upset with me or confused about our relationship, you could have talked to me about it first. But you didn’t. And after everything we’ve been through with communicating better with each other, you’d think that you would talk to me first before doing something so incredibly stupid.”

“Rusty, please. I am trying to talk to you. Stop making me feel like the bad guy.”

“The… the bad guy. Gus, this is not me criticizing or bugging you over a small thing. This is me telling you exactly what you did, and, if that upsets you, then you shouldn’t have done it in the first place. And it would be one thing if you actually tried genuinely apologizing, but you really haven’t. You’ve said that you’re sorry, but then you act like I should just immediately forgive you and we can get back together. That’s not how this works. I need space. I’ve needed space for the last six months and you won’t listen to me.”

“Rusty, I love you.”

“See,” Rusty practically screams, exasperated, “You’re doing it again. I’m telling you something that is upsetting me about you and you’re not listening. It doesn’t matter if you love me or if I love you. If I immediately get back together with someone who broke my heart and tried to blame me for it, then what would that show about how I feel about myself?”

“I hated myself for so long, Gus, and I’m tired of it. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I am finally at the point where I forgive myself for those mistakes and I hope I’ve made amends with everyone I’ve hurt along the way. But, if I were to get back together with someone who willingly broke my trust, I don’t think I would ever forgive myself.”

“What are you saying, Rusty?” Gus asks, his voice high and unsteady with emotion.

“I’m saying that we both need to work on ourselves as individuals more. I don’t hate you, Gus. You’re a good guy, a great guy, but you hurt me and that’s not okay. I think you should find a therapist or something and talk everything through. It’s helped me a lot and I think it will help you, too. I want to help you, Gus. I think that’s part of why I did what I did with the letter. I want you to succeed and be happy because I know what a good guy you are. I know how it feels to be loved by you, and, honestly, it felt pretty damn amazing. And, someday, you’ll make someone else feel that way, too, and I hope by then you’ll understand the mistakes you made with me and work on being better. But, I want you to forgive yourself, too, Gus. Someday.”

“Why does this feel like a goodbye?” Gus asks quietly.

And, in that moment, Rusty breaks. His heart begins to ache, and he finally lets himself succumb to the emotions that have been pushing their way through him all day and for the last six months.

“Because maybe it is, Gus,” he shouts, his voice cracking, “Maybe we are done, for good, and, maybe I hate that. I hate it. I loved you, Gus. I loved you so damn much. And we were doing so well, Gus, so well. And you ruined it. You ruined us. I never got to have beautiful things in my life, but then, then, I met mom and then I-I fell in love with you. My mom was ripped away from me and you took my heart and you fucking stepped on it. Why do I never get to have good things?”

He cuts himself off as he sobs into the phone, months of conflicting and confusing emotions pouring out of him. He’s crying so hard he has to gasp to catch his breath and he feels a headache forming from how much the tears hurt, physically and emotionally. 

“Rusty, I’m so fucking sorry,” Gus whispers into the phone.

“I know,” Rusty responds once he catches his breath, because he does know.

“I love you.”

“I know.” Because he does.

“So, are we going to be okay?”

“I don’t think so, Gus,” he answers honestly.

He pretends he doesn’t hear Gus’ small choked sob and he pretends he doesn’t hear Gus say goodbye and he pretends that he doesn’t know that this really is it for them. He pretends that it doesn’t hurt.

Sometimes, Rusty now understands, all the communication in the world can’t repair broken trust.

He sits quietly on the couch for a few minutes, his phone still pressed against his ear.

“Kid?”

He turns around and sees Andy standing there. He looks tired and as if he’s been crying himself.

“Andy,” he says, coughing to hide his shaky voice, “Sorry about all of, well, that.”

“Don’t be,” Andy says, walking towards the couch, “I know that was hard for you, and, as much as I liked Gus and as much as I know you cared about him, that was for the best and I’m so proud of you for sticking up for yourself.”

“I’m just so tired of saying goodbye to people,” Rusty says, his voice breaking again.

Andy seems to understand the double meaning and rushes forward, pulling Rusty in for a hug. He lets Rusty sob into his shirt, running a hand through his hair, feeling a tear fall down his own face.

“I miss her, too,” he says, “So fucking much.”

“Andy?” Rusty asks after some time, “Are we going to be okay?”

“We will,” Andy replies, without hesitation.

And, somehow, while hugging and crying in the middle of the condo, Sharon’s absence hanging over them like a ghost, Rusty believes him.


End file.
